End of the Penny

I saw this coming years ago, and so cleverly began hoarding these rust-colored beauties. I have hundreds of pounds of them, safely stored. And when in 20 or 50 years these objects become collector items, I will corner the market. See me for more financial tips.

No Joke

If the abrupt, indefinite suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live! teaches us anything, it's that the current U.S. president does NOT like being the butt of jokes. 

With this in mind, I'd like to clarify that my use of the phrase "Mango Mussolini," which I began using during his first term, was never intended as a joke. Rather, it summed up -- elegantly, if I do say so -- his political ideology and speaking style, particularly at his campaign rallies. "Mango," meanwhile, is nothing more than an accurate description of his self-tanner's color.

Vaccine Card

You never forget your first time. Last night, I was asked to present my completed Covid-19 vaccine card in order to enter a restaurant sans mask. I had the card on me (plus a digital version), and once it was checked against my driver's license, I was able to walk to our table like in the Before Times. The whole process took less than a minute. Honestly, the hostess could have saved a bit of time by scanning the nanochips the government injected into my bloodstream when I got my second vaccine shot, but whatever.