Last night, along with millions of other “Walking Dead” fans, I watched the series spin-off, “Fear of the Walking Dead” on AMC.

Here’s what I learned:

• The spin-off of a massively popular zombie franchise can impose a laughable number of commercial breaks into its inaugural episode, and we the audience will silently sit through them, immobile as the dead, and take it.
• Heroin addicts in Los Angeles are phenomenally attractive people who look, move and sound eerily like a young Johnny Depp.
• According to AMC, a blended family in L.A. isn’t Hispanic/White, Hispanic/Black, Hispanic/Korean or even Mexican/Guatemalan. No, “blended” refers to a white woman and a New Zealand guy of Maori descent. In fact, there aren’t any major Hispanic characters in episode 1. Have the producers ever been to L.A.?
• In the zombie Apocalypse, the guy you want on your team is a New Zealander of Maori descent who teaches English Lit. He’ll bravely search the abandoned church that serves as the neighborhood heroin shooting gallery/zombie rec room. At night. By himself. Armed only with a small flashlight. That’s one badass teacher!

 The top thing I learned from “Fear of the Walking Dead”? It doesn’t matter whether you’re an exceptionally attractive black teenager dating a pouty white girl or an exceptionally attractive, gentle and polite young black male (who in reality is a ruthless heroin dealer). You’re doomed, brother. Before the excruciatingly slow first episode ends, you’re destined to be a flesh-chomping zombie.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about? " the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.